Recently, a ghost friend sent me a link to a video of a Christian couple sharing their encouraging testimony. They were of different nationalities, but came together by “chance”, and part of the reason was because they shared some similarities. A very short version of their “chance” encounter was that this girl faced many difficulties, and eventually overcame them and also found a lot of relief through participating in triathlons. And then, one day she just decided to google search “Christian triathlete”, and she chanced upon his blog.
Now this kinda set me off thinking, especially about the similarities I share with them. Most obviously, I actively write in this blog, and I also believe that this was truly divine intervention and that the “stars aligned”, whatever that means. And then, I thought about what else I could do so that some person now or in the future would decide to do a random search and find me! Because, well, you know… I’m helping Him make it easier for the stars to align. Well, I think it would also depend on what kind of girl I’d like to meet. I know there’s a Snoopy run coming up, and if I like the cutesy kind of girl who loves animals and cute stuff, maybe I should sign up and write about it so one day a certain someone may type: Christian Snoopy.
But then, Snoopy run doesn’t really interest me. And I thought of what I already signed up for – which is the Spartan run in May, then perhaps it might be useful for me to write a little bit about this here, so that perhaps someone may google: Christian Spartan and be directed to my page! The best thing is that Spartan is both a noun and an adjective. To say “you’re so Snoopy!” doesn’t mean anything unless you mean you snoop around a lot. But to say you live a spartan lifestyle means something particular. That way, I can actually cast my net wider and have people who search “Christian Spartan” and “Spartan Christian” arrive at my blog!
Of course, I don’t actually believe in what I’ve just said earlier. I believe if God really wanted my future mate to find my through a google search, she would eventually type fatpine.wordpress anyway. Afterall, nobody knows anything about me. All you know is that I’m a guy and I’m Christian.
Since I’m on the topic of relationships, let me go on and share a little bit about finding your future spouse (I wasn’t planning this). I have no idea if I may be bursting the bubble of very staunch believers of a certain doctrine and hence be accused as being unorthodox and heretical, or whether I might really be helpful in providing some clues to a better and more stable attitude towards love and relationships. This is my attempt at improving poorly conceived courtship principles, or rather, poorly articulated courtship principles.
First of, let me state right at the outset: I don’t believe in the one. Nooo! Okay, at least, I don’t believe in the one that people normally do. Let’s just say there are many ways of explicating what I really believe in.
- I don’t believe in “the one” that most people refer to
- I believe in “the one” that is appropriate
- I believe and don’t believe in “the one”
If you realize, that isn’t saying much. But that’s truly my position: I believe in a very specific concept of “the one”, but this concept is probably too laden with other connotations and other subtle meanings that it’s not useful to use the term “the one”. It’s just like the word “democracy” or “justice” – what do they really mean? It seems to assume that people mean the same thing, but they really don’t.
Maybe it’ll be helpful to change the term a little. Perhaps it’s not so helpful to use the term “the one”. Maybe another way to put it would be: “my future spouse”. One might read from boundless.org and see how “the one” is often misconstrued as “the one for me” – which has an inherently selfish connotation. But, there are many good reasons why saying “my future spouse” might be a better choice.
First off, the bible does not state explicitly, that there is “the one” for every single one of us. Or rather, there is no principle of direct teaching that indicates that there is one specific person reserved for all of us and that person will eventually be unlocked with God’s timing. Yes, there have been instances where God specifically arranged for a specific person – in the case of Isaac, or in the case of prophet Hosea. But again, these are not cases that require us to apply the principle of direct teaching. Does God plan? And does he know whom we will marry eventually? Yes, He probably does, but that’s different from saying God has a specific person in mind prepared for you since the dawn of time – that when you meet this person your knees go weak, your heart melts and everything clicks and all the signs say: The one! The one!! In fact, just as much as that one school you went to was the one, or that one best friend that you deeply cherish is the one, or the one teacher that impacted you was that one, your future spouse is going to be that one too. So, let’s not glamorize it.Look at this another way: the person you marry is the one. It might sound trite but it’s true. If the concept of “the one” is inherently binding and specific, is not marriage binding and specific? The day that you say your vows and are wedded with another, you can say unreservedly: this person is the one! God takes vows seriously, and we are to keep to such vows seriously. This is one really obvious way of navigating the use of this concept.
The dangers of “the one”
Even if you resolutely believe in this concept, it is good to consider the three following pitfalls of trumpeting this ideal. I shall call them “moral hazards” that leave us prone to committing a few dangerous errors in thinking and attitude.
Human responsibility
“If she’s yours, she’s yours.” I’ve heard this repeated quite a few times to me. It seems to me that the thinking behind this is that no matter what you do, no matter where you are, this person is still going to travel a million miles over and be the one whose finger you finally put a ring on. The danger behind this thinking is that all I need to do is “wait and pray”. Indeed, this is sound advice, and probably will always be sound and wise. However, “wait and pray” isn’t the only thing you can or should do. I’m not saying you should be scheming all day long about how to get your “stars aligned”. Rather, I’m saying that you need to spend time perfecting yourself in Christ.
When I was in China, I taught Sunday school along with a few teachers for youths aged 13-17. There was this particular lady that was single, and I would consider her “desperate”. Every week, she reminded the class: please pray that I’ll find the one, not some guy I don’t like, someone that I’ll really like, someone that’s good for me. Every time she did so, I cringed a little, because it sounded really self-centered!
There are many stories of amazing divine intervention where God simply made someone show up. I’ve also personally witnessed how what people call divine intervention really led to people getting married. While not doubting any of then, I must also stress that they always show one side of the picture. It is like running a 5 mile race and they only tell you what happened at the finishing line. The fact is: there’s a lot of work to be done in order to be “the one” for someone else!
If you have the concept that God’s going to drop someone on your lap, then I think you are mistaken. To be crude, this is the reason why some people remain unmarried and single (some, I stress, some.) Are you a guy with no goals and who’s mired in bad habits and addictions? Are you a girl with a serious weight issue and a stubborn attitude? If I may generalize, godly females prefer driven men who are respectable and godly. In the same way, godly males prefer ladylike females who are respectable and godly. If you’re severely overweight, with poor oral hygiene; if you refuse to socialize, or even try to dress up a little for the right occasion, then it’s hard to even attract the opposite sex, no?
The hazard here, is the idea that since God is going to drop someone on my lap, that person – “the one”, is going to stick with me no matter what, and no matter what I do: he’s going to love me for who I am. Now, that might be true, and will probably be true if your partner eventually weds you, but this is a dangerous assumption to make even before you’ve met anyone.
Don’t confine yourself in your safe and secure bubble: if you want to be considered by other people, at least make yourself considerable. A boundless article had this title I really love, it goes like this: bro, you’re just a six. In the same way, you’re just a 6 overall! What makes you think that God’s going to drop a 10 for you?
Human imperfectibility
Another dangerous attitude that comes with the concept of “the one” is the deification of “the one”. This means that we practically put this unknown and mysterious person on such a high pedestal that he/she is practically on par with God, or worse. Think it’s ridiculous? I don’t think so, let me explain why. Since an early age, you’ve been told to pray and wait for “the one”. You ignore the childish guys at school because you know they can’t be them. You agonize over your current crush because you really want her/him to be “the one” but you’re not too sure. If you’re patient, you would have been single for a good decade or so waiting for that person. There’s a high chance that you expect him to be perfect. When I mean perfect, I mean it for real. Now that I say it, you’ll probably say: that’s preposterous! Nobody is perfect! But, I think, most people really have this view, how so?
Firstly, there are many people who break up with their partners or have second thoughts with the person they are with due to some moral failure on their part, or some spiritual weakness. When we see a huge flaw, we suddenly feel engulfed with this wave of doubt: is he/she really the one? In this case, what does “the one” really imply? In this sense, we are expecting this: since we we put off so many candidates for this person, since we have been patiently waiting for His timing – the person must be godly, mature, loving, and almost a ready-made husband/wife. Now, is this not the model for the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend?
If we have some expectation that “the one” is a perfect person coming to deliver us from the woeful throes of singlehood, we are more likely to hold out for that person that’s never going to appear, some sexy but virtuous goddess, or some knight riding on a white horse. In other words, we are likely to think that there’s a “right” partner, and a “wrong” one. And with the words “right” and “wrong”, we’re likely to input many additional connotations associated with these words.
Human frailty
The final issue that I have with the concept of “the one” would be the courtship process and marriage of those who have not undergone the same process. Is this concept of “the one” only applicable for those who earnestly wait and seek for it? What about Christian couples that dated and got married? What about married couples who placed their faith in Christ thereafter? What about unbelievers who get married? Are those people merely disillusioned? Are they deprived of the “true one” because they didn’t seek? The truth is, “God’s voice” and “clear reading” are not very common stories.
When I was in China, I often stayed over a brother’s place. I saw him go through a previous failed relationship. At that time, he submitted to the pastor’s wife – allowing her to matchmake a suitable sister for him because he wanted to wed soon. At the same time, another sister (in the same bible study group) also submitted a similar request. To both of them (they eventually married), it was a story of God’s amazing plan. And it probably was, just that it was not the whole story – they simply told the most amazing part that made their audiences go “wow…” (me included). Afterward, I chatted with another more sober-minded sister and she told me that’s just part of the story, and that they went through a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, tarrying, doubt, discomfort. At the end of the day, it really came down to the fact that both were really desperate to marry, and both were also very ready to commit. To say that God simply made the stars align and dropped one in the other’s lap is really not to say the full story. It might even be a little deceptive, even if it’s paradoxically true. The fact is, it’s not really saying anything meaningful. For example, if I answer “because my parents gave birth to me” to the question “why did you punch John?”, what would you think? It’s not false – your parents really needed to give birth to you in order for you to punch John, but their giving birth to you was not a sufficient cause for John’s hurts!
So let’s be clear: people get married whether or not they believe in “the one”, or whether or not you believe in “the one”. However, the fact we cannot deny is that whoever you marry, that person will undoubtedly be the one for you. However, if you think that “the one” is only available for good Christians that seek His will, then I think that’s another story altogether, and I’m not sure at all about that.
Imagine a group of mature Christians who want to walk a well-meaning brother/sister through this process of arriving at “the one”. However, due to human frailty, it seems that they go ahead despite some concerning factors. For example, perhaps one seems to have red flags over character issues; or perhaps there’s a theological gulf that cannot be bridged. However, much to the chagrin of this group, they opt to proceed with marriage. What then should they say on the weddin day? That the other party is not “the one”? This concept precludes human judgment – good or bad, preferences, contingency and even geography! On an extreme level, the concept of “the one” assumes these all fall in place perfectly.
What then, should we do, what should we pray? On this front, I’m very influenced by Gary Thomas’ book – Sacred Search. He cites Matthew 6:33 – seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. This is a principle that we can abide by when we pray for anything at all, even our future decision of whom to marry. Thomas distinguishes between wise and unwise decisions. In the same way, when we see our choice of spouse as a wise (as in one who seeks His kingdom) and unwise (one who chooses without seeking His kingdom), we find a better way to resolve the many contradictions and issues.
Thus, anybody – Christian or otherwise – who weds without seeking first His kingdom, we can say that they haven’t made the most wise choice. Why? The reason would be because that the did not wed for reasons properly pleasing to God Himself. For example, the partner may not be a Christian, or that both wed due to sexual chemistry. These are, altogether, (biblically) unwise reasons to marry, but once they marry, they are still bounded to one another for life, they are “the one” through thick and thin.
God’s plan: your future spouse
There is another aspect that I hope to discuss a little more about. We are all well aware that God plans. However, we often think of a plan as something very specific and elaborate – a blueprint. Yet, there is one aspect of planning that is just as important: timing. Now, would it be right to say that God’s perfect plan will be fulfilled in His time? Yes it would. If we think in this way, then, the right plan at the wrong time is the wrong plan still, wouldn’t it? Thus, the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.
My concept of the one is simply this: the right person at the right time. However, I would suggest that one looks at the time part. If I were 15, and have hots for a really godly and mature girl, I might ask very hopefully: could she be the one? This is an honest question, and it also reveals a person’s desire to sincerely seek His will. However, the answer will most probably be: nobody knows. Yes, nobody knows at all! There is no answer to this question, and one should most certainly not expect God to tell us his/her name in our dream, or for some crazy coincidental event to tell us how the stars are lined up. Even the pastor wouldn’t have much to tell you. But, if you ask me, I would say: probably not; at least, not for now. Is there any harm in praying? Well… no, but I would say, pray for your own development than for your romantic development.
You might think that I have no grounds to say anything at all. However, I was once in a relationship where it became quite apparent to me that I wasn’t ready for marriage (she could be right person, wrong time for me). However, the other party was quite sure I was “the one” (right time for her, wrong person). This puzzled me for quite a long while, not to mention the previous issues I raised weighed on me. I was later quite sure that we can’t really know for sure. However, everyone around her had such ingrained conceptions of “the one” that she did not relent. Finally, we met the pastor for clarification, and she was shocked to hear him admit: yes, we can’t know God’s will for sure. Even the most apparently divine happenings require some degree of faith.
What does the right person mean? Matthew 6:33 – the person that matches your criteria of a godly spouse and is available and at least open to you. What does right time mean? It means that you can say you are ready to date, and able to countenance the prospect of marriage in a couple of years, and kids in a couple of more. When added together, if you’ve done your part, and have worked hard seeking His kingdom and His will, I have no doubt that the stars will truly “align”, and it will become quite apparent that both of you should consider marriage. In what way? One important aspect is when the people around you are encouraging both of you to seriously consider marriage.
Let me once again use the case of Hudson Taylor. If you read the post titled “The Course of True Love”, Hudson Taylor tried to keep human effort to a minimal in the process of finally courting Maria Dyer, his eventual wife. He prayed as often as he could, and saw the events that unfolded as “signs”. This is a Hudson Taylor that undoubtedly believed in the concept of “the one”. However, how do we square this with the fact that he also submitted a few marriage proposals to a few women? Were they not viable “the ones”? Yes, they probably were. And I do not doubt that Hudson Taylor did seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. In this way, those women were probably wise choices. However, it just wasn’t the right occasion for him. One of the first was someone he courted before he first left for China (I’ll put in the name after I pick up the book again). He asked for her hand in marriage, but she did not seem ready to depart for China so abruptly, and her father had some reservations. In this way, even though she was perfectly suitable as a wife, the timing just wasn’t right for Him – he was just about to leave!
Clearly, we see that God really had “the one” in mind for Hudson Taylor. Note, however, that God’s ways are different from ours. God’s preparation of “the one” isn’t just one soul mate waiting to be discovered; it requires our effort, our patience, our development, our entrusting, our desires, and our seeking Him. Finally, it is making the wise choice at the right time. Do note, however, that Hudson Taylor remarried after Maria Dyer died. (Yes, God planned two, two!!)
What about young people who began courtship really early and finally married? Once again, one must be sensible to note that people have many reasons to get together. Some develop feels early, and both build dependency on one another that they can’t conceive of a life apart. Late or early courtships tell you nothing about whether it’s “the one” or not.
To conclude, I have no doubts that on our wedding day, even before we say our vows, we would believe, or want to believe, that God really planned for that very day, and that the angels are rejoicing with us. And it is true, especially if you abided in Him, waited for His timing, was sensitive to His guidance and chose wisely. Even if this occured after a series of failed relationships, it’s still something He knew long beforehand.
Thus, let us shed all notions that “if he/she’s yours, he/she’ll be yours”. No, it is quite likely that the person you like that’s staying overseas will fade away and marry someone else. It is likely that a person staying in Japan will marry a Japanese. It is also likely that you marry someone from your church, or your school, or your workplace: if you have designs for someone, it’s probably not going to be the case that the person will still travel a thousand miles to end up on your lap one day. This he/she’s yours notion is only true to the extent that we say it to some unknown person in the future. It’s like saying “your wife will be your wife if she’s your wife.” Duh.
If your love story has “God’s fingerprints” written all over it, whatever that might mean, it might be best to keep it realistic for the “average Christian”. I have heard pastors who say God literally dropped their spouse on their laps (metaphorically). This, while possibly true, may actually distort the image of courtship and “God’s plan” for the well-meaning Christian for reasons I have expounded above. Let us strive first and foremost to be focused and godly men and women fully satisfied in Him and seeking the fulfilment of His kingdom.
On a final note, what am I really saying? It seems all a mess! Is there “the one” or not? Yes, and no. Yes because if you marry, there will be, and God knows (just like I said, there is the one choice you make – this rather than that, A rather than B; the potato you ate yesterday night has just as much reason to say: I was the one!). No because we have a choice to make, and we can make wise or unwise choices. In other words, there’s no “right” or “wrong” person to marry. One can still have a God-glorifying marriage even if one “missed” the process of seeking “the one”, whatever that might be. In the same way, even if you’re certain you found “the one”, it does not take away the amount of effort you have to put in to make the marriage a God-glorifying one.
The question “the one” is thus, not something we should be concerned about – it’s something God will be concerned about. Our question, is to ask ourselves how ready we have prepared ourselves to be “the one” for someone else. It’s the same as when we want to go to dream schools: we don’t know which is “the one” we eventually go into, but we don’t imagine it to be perfect, awesome, and all the more, we don’t imagine that we don’t have to do anything about it. Thus, whether or not someone is “the one” is not something for us to consider at all. Rather than dream about the one, it would be good to ask ourselves the following questions:
Am I really ready to be a husband/wife? (A question of your timing)
Will being with him/her be a wise choice – will we serve better together? Will he/she help me grow?
If there are no suitable candidates, what can I do to develop myself to make myself more attractive? (Physically, mentally, spiritually, socially)
If we answer “no” to any of these simple questions, it’s pretty apparent what stage you are at now, without even evoking the concept of “the one”.
Signing off,
Fatpine.
fatpine 