Not a way of life

As a young Christian I often heard a popular saying in the defence of Christianity. It went something like this – whenever some nonbeliever implied that Christianity is just one religion out of many, the Christian would smartly (or even smugly) reply, “Christianity isn’t a religion, it’s a way of life.” Upon closer analysis, it’s not exactly clear what that means. It has the potential to mean some helpful things it wants to mean, and also some other things it doesn’t want to mean. But having used it before, I guess it meant something like Christianity is special because it’s not an organised religion made up by man, it’s not just a way of identifying myself when I fill forms, it’s something that informs my life decisions, preferences and so on. Which truthfully isn’t saying a lot.

Some people around me know that I have since grown to dislike these ‘spiritual stock phrases’ (which have been a large part of my diet in the past), mainly because we have the habit of being lazy, and we love to let our slovenly thoughts about God and the bible coalesce around these superficial phrases. I also realise that phrases like these are excellent periods in conversations; they are like stopgaps that plug holes to difficult questions, general phrases that mean too much and too little at the same time, phrases that contribute to a sclerotic mind that ends up with vocabulary that is too limited and too poor for articulating what it truly believes in.

Asserting Christianity to be a “way of life”, at best suggests that being a Christian is like flying first class; at worst, it sounds like we have chosen a ‘road less traveled’. And this condescension is sure to receive the following response: sure you like to retreat to the mountains and live on almonds and berries, I respect that but I’m happy with my way of life thank you very much! Either way, it suggests that we have decided to choose a ‘higher’ and more superior way of life, no matter what that might mean. It’s a decision to live differently from the rest of the world.

But how different is this from viewing Christianity as a set of manners, a code of conduct that’s no more than an amalgamation of beliefs? How different is this from someone who decides to be a Buddhist as a “way of life” as well? Don’t we simply wake up in the morning like everyone else, go to work like everyone else, perhaps say a few more “please’s” and “thank you’s” and try to be upright and honest because people seem to hold us to higher standards. Then we try to get married, groom our kids, hope they turn out brilliant and so on. How is this “way of life” not just the same as others around us, save for some prayers here and there, some bible reading here and there? This doesn’t seem to be the attitude and disposition of Paul.

Paul sheds light on what it means to be a follower of Christ in the first chapter of 1 Timothy:

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 1 Timothy 1:12-14

This doesn’t sound as if Christ and Christianity was merely a way of life to Paul. It sounded as if Paul had severely wronged Christ, thus incurring such a great debt, yet in its stead is love that overflows. It certainly doesn’t sound like Paul had considered his options, and felt that Christianity was more suitable to him, a ‘higher’ path, a better way. And then we move on to Paul’s punchline:

“The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.” 1 Timothy 1:15

And I learnt that this is in effect Paul’s way of making his point – if someone like me, the worst of sinners, could be saved, so too can you receive this mercy. If we appreciate what Paul is saying here, then we can determine that Paul’s posture is nothing close to deciding the Christ’s way is to be his preferred way of life. Not at all. Paul is saying he was a wretched person that was pitied and loved and forgiven in spite of the evil he had done against his benefactor.

As Christians, I don’t think there’s a need to preach or defend Christianity from a position of superiority or victory: I used to be this and now I’m this; I used to suffer this and now I don’t. Paul himself preached Christ from a position of weakness, from a position of despair: I persecuted me but he gave me grace. If his audience wasn’t convinced, Paul wasn’t fazed at all, he was simply articulating his state of despair and the surprise at not being dealt what he deserved but on the contrary receiving blessings. If anything, the workings of Christ continued to baffle Paul – and it is this ever-present questioning that Paul boldly articulated the work of Christ in its fullness, asking, “how can it be? How can it be?”

A seminary professor once mentioned that he ever had an interesting conversation with a paramedic who had a fair share of victims that were simply untreatable. “Am I going to die?” they would ask. “Yes.” he answered. And accepting that fact, one of the most common things they sought was forgiveness. They simply wanted to be forgiven, for who they were, what they did, what they had ever done. Knowing our state of sinfulness is a precious realisation, and as a result, Christ is all the more beautiful and wonderful to behold.

Signing off,

Fatpine. 

Discipline in the Christian life

I recently bought a new guitar! It’s the most I’ve ever spent on a guitar, and I hope it’d be the last I’d ever need to buy. It’s been a long time since I spent much time trying to keep up with old songs and techniques and even to learn new songs. Not only do I find that as a much older person (actually, only several years have elapsed), there’s less interest, I think there’s also far less discipline. Or to put the latter in different words, far more things to get distracted by.

So it’s been quite refreshing to spend an full block of time just practicing and practicing; and for some reason, practicing the guitar always ends up with me drenched in sweat, and with my throat parched. I rarely ever feel my throat parched even when I exercise. But perhaps the guitar has this uncanny tendency to dehumidify my body and just soak up moisture. Maybe that’s why they say taking not of the humidity levels of the environment matters a lot in taking care of the guitar, for it is in itself, a humidity absorbent?

In any cases, it was a rare delight, because I can’t easily recount days when I would willingly spend such a long amount of time completely focused on honing a craft or simply perfecting movements. In fact, being as old as I am, I rarely see myself, and also my peers doing anything of this nature anymore. It seems that once people start working, they just get busy with coping with work and life and then perhaps spend the remaining amount of time getting distracted by other things?

Weeks ago I happened to open a dusty drawer and saw an even dustier planner/diary with the leather all melted in this perpetual summer heat. It was a planner I kept during my military service and I would write random thoughts or plan my timetable for the day. There was a lot of time to do anything in those days, especially on weekends when one was scheduled for duties. And being one of only two guys in a huge medical centre for an entire day, I would plan my time to see how I could get the most out of it. And this is how it looked like for that one Saturday:

10am – Guitar practice

Songs that need improvement:

  • Papa George
  • Mombasa
  • Amy
  • I’ve always thought of you

12:30pm – Listen to Moral Maze

1:15pm – Call WH for discussion

1:45pm – Piano Theory

2-3pm – Livejournal

3-6pm – Guitar jam!

Diary entry, 2011

Presently, I know how to play none of the songs. I don’t even know what one of them sounds like. Well, it doesn’t mean it was all a waste; for these were more of the ‘peripheral’ songs, the songs that didn’t mean that much to me. I guess I was more astounded by how much discipline I had in those days, locking myself in a room for an entire day practicing and practicing (and even apportioning time to write blog entries!) But in another way, it wasn’t that surprising as well. While social media was in existence, I did not yet own a smartphone, and there just weren’t that many things to be distracted by.

Days ago I went online to look at some of my friends to see how they were doing. To my surprise, most of them looked very different from their profile pictures. And some of these friends were the most popular and good-looking people around when we still hung out. It just felt so odd to me. How did several of these friends, who used to spend so much time preening and frowning in front of mirrors in their teens, now completely give way to double-chins, premature “dad bods”, and bending postures? This is not an attempt at body shaming. Rather, I wonder how one could once be so vain, yet not make any effort to stay in shape. Perhaps they weren’t vain enough.

I’m working through 1 Peter now, and it reminds me again “all flesh is like grass…” Already, as I cross the mid-20s, I feel a noticeable difference in lifestyle and physiology. Perhaps it’s like a purifying fire, and crossing the red sea of the mid-20s will simply eliminate all the motivations and passions that once ignited you, even if it’s something as stupid as vanity – if you don’t hold on to it with discipline.

On the other hand, crossing this red sea could reaffirm yourself of what you find worthwhile and of value in life: a passion for the word, a yearning to be like Christ, a heart for the lost. Perhaps this is why D.A. Carson once said that he was always wary of young Christians buzzing about in Christian ministry, thinking too much of what they could do for the Lord. For Jeremiah and Isaiah didn’t – they felt so utterly inadequate and so aware of their sinfulness.

So shall we, after crossing that diving line of fire in as short a time as one or two years, find ourselves with a bloated jaw, an isolated and untouched bible, a drought-ridden prayer life, worsening postural integrity, and *eek* – our once-inseparable instruments now foreign to us? When we were both still teens, a friend once told me he believed he was gifted in music, and proceeded to spend much time developing in that area. Just two months ago when we approached a piano together, he confessed he had lost every single thing save one or two songs based on muscle memory.

Perhaps we should stop being so hard on the young. Maybe they are the ones who have sufficient desire to be disciplined about what they like. Yet, on the other hand, the inevitable crossing of this purifying fire is a reminder that without discipline and desire, even if just for 5 minutes on a tiring day after work, we will lose it all – and more, to the amorphous distractions that beep and call out to us through bright screens. These are modern day morphines that numb us from the pain; they don’t heal, but are only relaxants that put the hopeless at ease. Hopeless because we have ceased to desire and have given in. It is, at the same time, a state of ecstasy and one of self-denial. We say, “enough, I’ve had a long day.” Pitiful self-pleasure. Is that not the fate of the grown up?

I sincerely hope not. A good friend brought me to an art exhibition yesterday and I was glad to see that even in the midst of busyness, there are still plenty of people who are questioning themselves, their world, and the people around them. Peeking into the journal of an artist, I saw how she was not fearful of confronting difficult questions she experienced in her life. These artists never ceased to inquire about the world – for how could we ever be done inquiring? (As a matter of fact, my friend repeated the word “curious” no less than 10 times) And in order to express themselves, they had to be disciplined, to be on their own, to spend time to know their thoughts, to hone their craft.

Same goes with the middle-aged legal consultant who quit his job to go into seminary. Everyone recognises the amount of effort and time he expends on every little sermon outline of his. He leaves no stone unturned, and never fails to provide a robust account, no matter how small the assignment.  Never distracted, and always in deep thought, I heard he spends hours in libraries and scours through commentaries and essays. Crows feet line his eyes; but there is so much vigour and vitality in this man. Why is that so?

From the moment we cross that line, we are like fish pulled out of water. We will flap around and eventually die. But there are those that demonstrate sure signs of life, fighting till at last they truly are constrained by time: they simply have no more to give! They are disciplined, and resist every attempt to pacify and sooth them into death – the loosening of muscles, the isolation of that once-favoured instrument, the morning after  of the dying ember. And the difference is that this discipline costs them, for when we were young, discipline had a huge reward, we had men and women to impress, and the approval of many to gain. But in our later days, no one would reward us for discipline. Instead, if discipline would mean to lose time to watch a little tv, to indulge in a little more cake, to just lose ourselves in a silly game or be scrolling through feeds. Curiously, all of these could be said to be “reserving some alone time” or to “give ourselves a treat”, when it does the exact opposite. It eases us into a coma.

What a scary thought. Yet, it is nevertheless true that all flesh is like grass, and the grass, flowers, and all its accompanying glory will fade. Yes it will, with time! What I realize, however, is that we can willingly surrender attempts at living that meaningful life where we endlessly inquire about the world. We do so by giving in to gluttony, to quick stimulation, we run away from difficulties and problems and seek to pleasure ourselves. This is not the fade of time, it is an abnegation of our duties to be stewards of the created order. Instead, we happily lose all interest in all that surround us; and inevitably, along with this, an interest in the impending arrival of Jesus. Our master is coming, let us resist that fatigue and remain disciplined, to keep inquiring, keep honing, keep asking, learning, and being fruitful.

Signing off,

Fatpine. 

Remembering to forget

I think those that have the gift of forgetfulness can be some of the most blessed people. To them, every day is essentially a new one filled with endless possibilities. Baggages, emotional or mental or anything else are left at the doorpost of yesterday; and they give each experience, each person a new chance, even if they have done the selfsame thing or met the same people every day for years.

The forgetful person is thus not stuck in the cyclical trudge through life, he forgets the hard work of yesterday and leaves past accomplishments in dusty cabinets. He sees each day as a new one to be productive and fruitful. He doesn’t, on account of being seasoned, treat certain aspects of work with less respect or care, neither does he calculate upon seeing a coworker, ‘she didn’t treat me too kindly yesterday, how shall I measure my countenance towards her?’ for he treats them all with the equal warmth shown on his first day at work.

Best of all is if one is forgetful enough to forget himself, so that each day isn’t a struggle to maintain one’s dignity. He doesn’t try to say something funny in gatherings because he doesn’t need to stand out, neither does he need to dissemble his foibles, weaknesses, or imperfections. He celebrates the achievements of others as if it were his own, and often forgets to pout even when wronged.

In contrast, a person who remembers too much is prone to be sulky. Weighed down by baggages of the past, he is unforgiving and pessimistic. Work is never fulfilling because he has learned the tricks of the trade, he has uncovered the pathways to significance and at the same time, those that lead to deadends. He will thus put all his energies to those that propel him, and view as contemptible the people or duties that lead to nowhere. Even at his moral best, he remembers to do good so that people will see him as a good person.

The forgetful person must then be a blessed person.

But what if we struggle to forget? What if some hurts go so deep they take hold? Shall we be haunted by them forever? I realise that these are usually the result of hopes dashed in promising situations, or when promises were made but not kept. Thus we are unable to forget not necessarily because we continue to ‘live in the past’, so to speak, but because we are expectant of something in the future.

In other words, we cannot countenance a future in which something we previously expected and imagined doesn’t come true. Isn’t this the same reason why we are only ‘grieved’ but never ‘hurt’ by the deaths of our loved ones? Because, with regards to those that die, we always knew they would leave us; but with unkept promises, we can remain bitter till our deathbed. In such scenarios, I know of only two ways forward.

First, declare the sovereignty of God. We often say in hindsight that something happened ‘for a reason’, or that God ‘allowed’ this or that to happen. This is often after we have looked back and seen some element of personal growth or a great blessing. We thus need to – without surrendering due diligence – quickly entrust our disappointments to God.

Second is to remember the right thing. I often saw forgetfulness as simply being forgetful, or having poor memory. But what if forgetfulness is a wilful attempt to remember some things over others? If this is true, then as paradoxical as it seems, remembering God’s saving grace may be the only way for us to forget ourselves, and to leave heavy and unwanted baggages behind.

The story of the returning prodigal son has been a helpful tale for me. How often do we resolve to make a mark on our own, trusting in nothing but our own might, spurning our Father and chasing significance? Yet he embraces us as we return shamefully; only we do not return to shame, but to glory. No guilt-trips or condemnations. Some people look at this story and say that God is simply a figure of forgiveness and love, there’s no cost involved. In resolving this, John Stott cites the reenactment of Dr. Bailey, who teaches in Beirut; and Bailey takes a look at Luke 15 through the fresh perspective of Middle Eastern peasants.

“…the whole village would know that the returning prodigal was in disgrace, and that punishment of some kind was inevitable, if only to preserve the father’s honour. But the father bears the suffering instead of inflicting it. Although ‘a man of his age and position always walks in a slow, dignified fashion’, and although ‘he has not run anywhere for any purpose for 40 years’, he yet ‘races’ down the road like a teenager to welcome his home-coming son. Thus risking the ridicule of the street urchins, ‘he takes upon himself the shame and humiliation due to the prodigal’.”

John Stott, The Cross of Christ, p. 259

Stott argues that the cross “can be seen as a proof of God’s love only when it is at the same time seen as a proof of his justice.” There is no more condemnation, for it has been borne by Christ, and now He can look upon us with favour. Our Father runs to embrace us, what else matters anymore? His love not only unrequited, but spat upon and rejected, yet he dies for a wretch such as I. What else matters anymore?

Oceans may sweep, mountains may fall, we may go through the worst torture and seen the cruelty of man. We may have been abused or traumatised. These are all difficult to forget, and neither should we carelessly forget them. But so long as God opens our eyes to our fallenness and sin, then we may claim, as David did in Psalm 32, blessed is the one whose sin is covered. When we remember God’s forgiveness, then we are blessed. And so the more we remember, the more we can forget. Our Father ran to embrace us, may we remember…

Signing off,

Fatpine. 

The end of human wisdom; the fear of God

“I’ve been quite lost recently, not knowing where to go, having lost a bit of my bearings because all the things I have wanted have arrived, and things are coming to an end, and a new chapter is set to begin. There was a slight tinge of regret, a kind of bittersweet moment when one of my classes finally ended. And I went home not knowing what to feel (I still have about 2 weeks of stuff to do before it ends, and exams in a month or so). I’ve been rushing the four years, and wondering when it would finally end. And now that it’s about to end, I feel sad and I hated such contradicting thoughts. Perhaps it’s because school is an enemy I know – no matter how much I struggled, I knew how to feel safe, I knew how to cope, I knew how to learn to love the subject. But now, I’m faced with an enemy I don’t know.”

I wrote this more than a year ago when my classes ended. I was so convinced back then that my learning was not complete, and that I had only scratched the surface of my real education, that I was only beginning to get taste of what it meant to be intellectually challenged. Of course, sometimes it takes 4 years for you to get to such a position. And that was the position I was in. My final year had been the most mind-opening and the most precious. And going to Chicago was another shot at repeating that final year.

But there were also many other things that were inundating my mind. There was the fear of the future unknown, of how, for the first time, there was no next step, no next progression. Then there was also that desire to learn about life in general, of the rich lessons that could be gleaned from living uncomfortably for a short while in a completely different environment. Of the lessons I could learn, and the things I could be exposed to. But obviously, there were many fears. One does not simply traipse into a foreign and and culture and expect to fit like a glove. Have you ever noticed that anyone who comes back from a trip will almost invariably have this observation? They would always conclude: “the people there are really nice!” And with that reason begins a short to medium term love affair for all things related to that country.

But few realise such an infatuation does not last more than two to three weeks. At first, when everything is new, everything seems foreign but strangely appealing. It’s like dating a girl you’ve only just met. The newness and “otherness” of this foreign thing makes you keenly intrigued. You look at people getting along with their lives, you observe the goings-on around you and you just cannot imagine what normal life is like here. You are enchanted. Even the advertisements are different, and a trip to the grocery store always yields new surprises and findings that while very dissonant with what we are familiar with, are refreshing all the same. But beyond two or three weeks and you get tired of the dissonance. You begin to realise that you form preferences, and you seek the familiar to the new. You begin to settle in and realise that hey, this is what a normal salaryman feels like, and it’s really more often than not just dreary work and routine – no stardust.

I had just completed my undergraduate life. I went to a fantastic camp, toured Japan, and now I had to leave my community to begin a new life – a realistic and charm-less or stardust-less life in a school I wondered if I was serious enough to survive in. All of them were well-founded fears. But by the grace of God not one single one was realised.

In this one year I’ve gone through so many peaks and troughs and oscillating between wanting to go home and wanting to stay to keep learning. The friends around me can attest to these changes. One moment I can’t wait to go home and another, I realise my education is ending and I’m savouring every moment in the classroom. But here I am, at the end of all things, with my graduation over and having all been done and settled. I feel nothing but a sense of peace. There’s no attachment for the classroom and I don’t feel like I need to go back to school again. For some reason I feel that my academic education is done, and I have gone on to do the best that I can do. I have seen myself finally scale the peak of my human powers, and I am certain this is not what I would want to continue. In fact, the only reason why I would return to school is only to systematically study God’s words.

Well don’t be mistaken. I have not simply reached some pinnacle of my potential and am ready to return a vastly improved person. It’s just that there often are times in my life when I felt clearly that I haven’t had enough of something, or that the ‘time is not right’. And so, I went ahead a little more or waited a little longer. And then things just fall into place and I have no doubt that this is the time to move on to the next phase. And for me, there’s a clear stage of ‘progression’, even if I don’t see it as a concrete thing to move into. I am clear what I have to do for the next 5 years, if ever I am given 5 more years. This one year has given enough for me to envision the next 5. Not that I’ve thought a lot about it, or made plans or decided what to do. It’s just that every single thing, whether things I learnt in class, or the things I’ve seen, experienced, have all somewhat coagulated to create a tiny vision that’s bold enough for me to pursue it with passion.

It’s not a grand mission. It’s simply this: to pursue God as if He’s the only thing worth pursuing in life, and perhaps in doing so, help be a voice in a world that makes it near impossible to think otherwise. My education is complete because I have read all that I believe will help me on this journey and perhaps no further. It is over because I have also rubbed shoulders with perhaps the brightest in the world but have realised that neither education nor human wisdom leads anywhere further than where I’d like to go – it might change the mind, but not the heart. This is not a case of sour grapes, nor do I have a chip on the shoulder. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here at the university, and have been sufficiently engaged in most of my classes – having had many debates and sometimes, arguments. But it’s simply a matter of timing and a shift in perspective, a realisation that one brilliant mind may change the way we think but be mere soft soap in the tragedy of existential crises, much less a modest mind like mine. One brilliant mind can deliver the most thought-provoking statements and quotes that balances the ironies in life, but it may never resolve them. As Nietzsche said – that which does not kill us makes us stronger. Inspiring. But stronger for what?

Human civilisation is long and old. We have no shortage of Hemingways, toquevilles, Laozis, Saids, Marxes. If we break them down to bite-sized pieces, we get nuggets of wisdom that for the moment, help to numb the pain of what seems like cosmic ironies of life. And that is that. They inspire us to hope for a new day for more debauchery and the pursuit of good pleasures. Society is replete with these visions of the good life, and we mindlessly pursue it; until something tragic forces us to break that flow of trying to be busy to appear important, of trying to consume to feel secure. It is then, a matter of course that when death and rejection and pain knocks so close to us, we can’t help but wonder if our faith means anything at all. Why does it do little to comfort us? Why do we still feel afraid? Why is Jesus just a storied man who does little for our pain? Isn’t it because we have all the while been at the foot of Mount Sinai but choosing to worship the golden calf? How and when shall we realise that all these things are but a shadow – even the best joys are a mere copy of what we shall find in that heavenly Jerusalem?

And so here I am again at some self-imagined crossroad. I have nothing remotely philosophical or vaguely inspirational to tell myself. Because wherever I tread, I cannot deny this one thing that is firmly etched in my mind. And I must not do too poorly to forget this thing in the coming days. So God help me.

Fatpine. 

Thinking of Christian snobbery

I wonder if you have given much thought about whether you might be a part-time Christian, full-time snob. I know I have. I  also wonder if you already realize, but the human heart is a pretty deceitful thing. And for this very reason, thinking and reflecting is so important. A famous political philosopher made very astute observations about what she termed the “banality of evil”, which revolves around thinking and failing to think. That is, if I understand her correctly, she didn’t think that many out there are truly evil with wicked and malevolent thoughts and desires. Rather, they simply ceased to think and reflect about what they were tasked to do, without realising that their actions were indeed so damaging and harmful to others. She insisted, quite laboriously, that thinking is not something reserved only for the intelligent or wise – everyone can think, but often times, we rather not. We abdicate our responsibility to think, especially when we are in awe of another authority that is too persuasive.

When I first read this, I thought – hmm, it seems logical. But as a Christian, surely we all are wicked and tending to do wicked things? Growing up listening to the unbearable weight of our filthy sins (which are doubtlessly unbearable and filthy), I think I have become quite accustomed to reducing all human behaviour to springing from evil sin. Perhaps that’s the right mode of thinking; but surely there’s a need for more nuanced thought on this issue. And thus, I believe that all humans are indeed sinners, and they do indeed sin. But, they do sin not out of a desire to do evil – but out of the desires they think are good. Afterall, C.S. Lewis reminds us that just as a man might do a good thing because it is good and desirable; another would do a bad thing also because he thinks it good or desirable – perhaps to himself. That is, no one does a bad thing for the sake of badness: even those who revel in it find some goodness and delight in the suffering of others. In our desire for power, the satisfaction of our needs, and aspirations for our future – things that are good and not denied by God, our debased minds lead us to pursue them in ways that are not intended by God. Afterall, even Sauron the deceiver was not evil to begin with.

That is to say – most, if not all of us would never fathom planning the eradication of certain types of people in the world. But all of us have a potential to do so – either by wayward pursuit of something we desire to be good, or an unthinking allegiance to someone in authority. For this reason, we reel in disgust when we learn of what men of older days did to other men, women and children. We cannot believe such humans existed; we even pride ourselves for making some kind of vague moral progress because of our rhetoric that attributes “human rights” to individuals. But notice that people all over the world, in little patches and groups, still do “evil” and hurtful things. Is it because they are the devil incarnate? I think it’s unlikely.

But doesn’t this give us more reason to think about our faith in our lives? Sure, we may be far-removed from violence-inducing rhetoric or the dangerous seductions of some charismatic person’s utopic masterplans. But still, plans that originate from humans must always be well-examined, not because they were intended for violence – for violence comes in a variety of forms – but because even good intentions wrongly pursued will lead to painful outcomes. Let me state the simplest of examples: say a church wants to be more evangelical and sets for each believer, a number of people to share the gospel to. In order to demonstrate our zeal for the task, we get to it, knowing in our heart of hearts we fear more the shame of being seen as a lazy disciple. Thus, we thrust the precious message of Christ’s work – which can be so elaborate and beautiful that people compose entire symphonies around it – down the throats of people in the form of a hastily prepared capsule: you’re a sinner going to hell and Christ saved you; will you believe in Him?

For this reason, we must always be wary of what goes on in our church-going life. For you’d be surprised that there can be many comings and goings in church that have absolutely nothing to do with the redeeming blood of Christ. When the church becomes what outsiders think it is, a place for like-minded people to enjoy community, then there’s where we are done for. I got such a feeling recently, when a friend asked me after church, “how was church today, any inspiration?” I simply said I felt a great deal of peace, which surprised him, as he thought that people  get used to listening to same old things all the time. That means to say that church, to the uninitiated, is simply a pole we fasten ourselves to in order to keep afloat during through the unpredictable ebbs and flows of life; but there are a great many other poles you are free to fasten to. In other words, in the game of life, some people find their social support of friends in school, others at work, and then there are those who find their friends in church.

With this comes the real danger of being a part-time Christian but a full-time snob. In fact, the most dangerous trend in the church, to me, is the formation of in-groups. It is human to do so. We want to hang out with people we know and at least, like. These are habits of people who see the church as a community, but not as a body of Christ. That is to say, behind the talk of being one big family, what we become interested in is the security of our relationships, and what the church does for me. Less are we interested in my role as a cog in this body of Christ. It is easy to see this: inter-ministry rivalry, competition and jealousy between various segments of the church, and most of all: a perfectly logical rationale to exclude others – whether by age/batch, level of spiritual maturity, godliness, and so on. It is not difficult to see this, not at all. We just need to ask whether it would be awkward for us to meet this or that church member in the lift alone. If so, then perhaps we have spent too much time building our personal fiefdoms.

But this sort of snobbery extends to far beyond our comings and goings on Sundays – it also extends to our daily lives – when we find it far easier to appear Christianly to Christian brothers and sisters than to the normal folk in our lives, to our roommates, neighbours, and even the waitresses that serve us. Knowing how I struggle with this, and how I’ve personally witnessed such behaviour, one cannot help but wonder how much of what goes on in church is real – or is it just an elegant masquerade that we are too eager to partake in? A friend recently told me that she always felt uncomfortable in a particular church because she knew that much of the “church speak” that was going on between the church folk weren’t real utterances in their non-Sunday lives.

A.W. Tozer writes:

To most people God is an inference, not a reality. He is a deduction from evidence which they consider adequate; but He remains personally unknown to the individual. “He must be,” they say, “therefore we believe He is.” Others do not go even so far as this; they know of Him only by hearsay. They have never bothered to think the matter out for themselves, but have heard about Him from others, and have put belief in Him into the back of their minds along with the various odds and ends that make up their total creed. To many other God is but an ideal, another name for goodness, or beauty, or truth; or He is law, or life, or the creative impulse back of the phenomena of existence.

The Pursuit of God: The Human Thirst for the Divine, 427

The nature of Christian love and service in the church can sway the unthinking individual to realise that he in fact is part of this love-giving and love-generation. This develops a self-congratulatory attitude that desires godliness not to please God, but for prestige: an image of pastoral kindness, a bible-carrying folk too eager to announce their fasting habits, that gives a pat on their own backs for their missionary zeal and desire to “change” the lives of the poor abroad without realising they are themselves poor in spirit.

In another word of advice to his nephew, Screwtape, the senior demon mentioned:

“The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours he meets every day and to thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know.”

In other words, let believers cultivate an illusion of piety to those far from him. Let him believe that he is kind and gentlemanly and godly and Christian-like. But then, in the comfort of his home, he will surely reveal his true nature – best without him realizing it – and for sure, his soul can be claimed.

There is much to guard ourselves against, huh? But one can go too far. Plenty of years ago, in articulating my fears, a friend said that I should stop second-guessing myself. But there are some that say remaining fearful keeps ourselves on our toes. But at the heart of it, I believe that there is always a continual need to assess the state of our service – that is why I am continuously in awe of the consistency of my pastor, because I know my pride and deceitful heart will get the better of me. But there is little we can do, we cannot guard ourselves simply for the sake of guarding it; we do not spout “deep reflections” simply because we feel in the reflective mood. When the time for a lesson comes, it will come; and the Holy Spirit will chastise us. For even my pastor recently shared that he used to engage people purely by the force of his personality (which is not a trifling matter), but he has since come to rely on the force of the revealed word. I only hope that my own reflection in my own life can serve as a reminder for others too.

Too much doubt can paralyse us. We need only to think simply, and no simpler. A.W. Tozer has been helpful. The answer is a single-minded pursuit and focus on God in our daily lives – and all our worries must soon subside. Make him your end, your thoughts both waking and even when sleeping; think of Him, ask to think more of Him. There will be no second-guessing, no anxieties. We merely need to fix our heart’s gaze on the saving acts of God. How beautiful his words, so beautiful and deep that if I take a step out of it, I realise that it’s just one man’s musings of his walk with God. There is nothing fancy, no profound material and novel content – just profound and novel reflections of his relationship with God. How wonderful and refreshing.

To end, if the church is our primary source of being reminded of Christ, then we might be in a perilous state, for even the best churches do more than preach the gospel faithfully. There are altar calls, corporate prayer, there are relationships to build, hi’s to offer. All these can lead us to think all is well and good, that I’m part of a strong community, the church’s love is my love, the church’s devotion is my devotion. No, we need to encounter God much more than merely Sundays.

J.I. Packer said:

If you want to judge how well a person understands Christianity, find out how much he makes of the thought of being God’s child, and having God as his Father. If this is not the thought that prompts and controls his worship and prayers and his whole outlook on life, it means that he does not understand Christianity very well at all. . . . “Father” is the Christian name for God.

We certainly need our father more than on Father’s day, and however the important the church is as the body of Christ, we still need to establish an unhindered view of Christ in our lives. My pastor said it well today, we want the wrong things, fail to change because of an impaired view of Christ. The more we get to see a clear vision of Christ, the sooner our appetites change.

Signing off,

Fatpine. 

A not too distant past

When people grow up, their views about different things change. There are several moments in our life when we are rudely awakened from our naiveties, moments when we are forced to grow, and that it’s stupid to keep going on in the same way. I can’t keep reading Peter and Jane and stories of the Tin Soldier even though I love them so much. That slight expansion in my head and the encounter with more intricate stories made me realise I can accommodate more. Life is thus not simply just about two siblings running up and down hills with their dog. There’s also the displeasure of eating greens, of having to go to bed even though you want to watch tv; there’s also the making and unmaking of friends – the taste of our first betrayal over an innocuous broken promise. Then there are emotions we cannot understand, jealousy and hatred; there’s fondness for the opposite sex and a discovery of our sexualities. There’s politics and politicking, strategy that necessitates sacrifice. We can expect someone thinking himself to be well-worn with life to think of himself the exact opposite of a naive.

And is that not the premise of this space? Part of it is to share my previous naiveties and to reflect upon the growing up phase so that it may be edifying for others. But more importantly, it would be a good opportunity to make some checks for myself. Grown up a little, check. Not as emotional, check. Not thinking like a kid but like a man, check. But how wrong I am. Over the course of the two years of writing, there has been an ever-present feeling of uneasiness. I write of my past stupidities and inchoate thoughts about the world and of reality; but have I, in distinguishing myself from the past, tricked myself into thinking that I am better than before?

The Christian life is not a life of climbing stairs. We do not receive an epiphany and become better than yesterday. This is not how the human heart works, this is not how our sins come back to trouble us. We may have become radically different from what we were before, but that does not negate the glowing effect of sin in our lives. We may have overcome a great addiction – we may even have given talks about overcoming addictions – but that doesn’t mean it’s a “phase” that we will never be vulnerable to again. And it’s sad that I realise that I’m still just as prone to childishness as before; and just as vulnerable to unreasonable and uncontrolled emotions, just like when I was a kid. More severely, such thoughts inevitably serve as our blind spots, they are weak spots that we neglect fortifying because we believe we have transcended such issues. Indeed, the desire for boys to believe that they have become mature and steady men has sometimes had a more corrupting effect than admitted. It betrays our obsession with progress, of making everyday a better version of ourselves.

According to C.S. Lewis, because humans are not like animals, we experience undulation in every are of our lives. The behaviour of animals occur almost like clockwork: they are slaves to their instincts and desires. Waiting on the fulfillment of an animal desire makes absolutely no sense. Why delay hunger when I am hungry? Why walk when I feel tired? There is no greater reason to do anything contrary to one’s instincts – except the avoidance of externally induced pain. But humans, Lewis asserts, go through peaks and troughs. There are many things outside of our base desires that call our attention and enrapture us – even if momentarily. There are opportunities that force our hand immediately because we sense they would never come again, there are subtle moments when we feel undermined, causing us to lose our drive. We almost never are constant.

This where we are in dangerous territory if we think of life as occurring in blocks of time consisting of qualitatively different “selves”. In a letter to his nephew Wormwood, the senior demon, Screwtape, noted rather wisely:

The mere word phase will very likely do the trick. I assume that the creature has been through several of them before – they all have – and that he always feels superior and patronising to the ones he has emerged from, not because he has really criticised them but simply because they are in the past… Nice shadowy expressions – ‘it was a phase’ – ‘I’ve been through all that’ – and don’t forget the blessed word ‘Adolescent’…

C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters, 47

Perhaps you used to struggle with your body image, perhaps you used to curse and gossip, or had an addiction to sex. But just because we don’t do it anymore means that it’s consigned to a chapter in our past. There are many things, just because they are a weakness of ours, that we must keep fighting, both consciously and unconsciously. We don’t fall into traps in a vacuum. People do drugs not because someone asked them outright: would you try this? People don’t enter toxic relations just because they were invited into one. We sin in more ways that just through indulging in the very act.

In a not completely unrelated story, I woke up in the middle of my sleep last night to relief myself in the toilet. I went back to bed and for some reason the lyrics of a song flashed across my head. It was a line from the song Why do Fools Fall in Love by Frankie Lymon. I probably haven’t heard it in more than a decade. Now what an interesting segue! One must be a fool indeed to not examine our loves. Helm’s preaching on 1 John two weeks ago delivered a very poignant message: not all loves are accepted by God; we become earthbound by our loves. Truly, the word “love”, so often bandied about and abused, has become a fail-safe justification for the modern. As long as we question – “who are you to deny me from what I love?”, we expect nothing but silence, as we have come to accept the sacrosanctity of one’s object of desire. In other words, the individual and the protection of his individuality today, must fundamentally come from the protection of his autonomous will to love whomever or whatever he wills. As awkward as it sounds then, what we love generates rights.

I shall not further spend time ridiculing such a notion of love and rights. But back to the topic, I have come to realize a poor governing of our loves will always keep us vulnerable to the sins of our “past” lives. Like I mentioned earlier, we don’t act out on things in a vacuum, we simply have had too many misguided loves that invite us to act in particular ways. If there’s any reason why I still feel the same as before, it’s because I haven’t had the courage to wean myself of seemingly innocuous loves. And one of those loves I realised I’ve had to give up was something as simple as watching my favourite improvisational comedy show during meal times – or watching anything for that matter. And it truly scares me to realise how much of what we allow ourselves to see and hear so subtly seduces us to love more and more things of this world.

The Christian walk is indeed a difficult walk, primarily because the heart is so deceitful. We can never be too confident, and we must always remain vigilant, always engaging in honest supplication before the Lord over all things great and small. A lack of attendance to these explains why “great” and “godly” men and women fall.

Signing off,

Fatpine.

Good Art

Is there good art?

I have lived parts of my good life very passionately persuading people about the value of things that are inherently to be valued subjectively. And it is usually not the very value of the thing I’m advocating but my passion that is impressioned upon people – sadly. In a world with such a variety of tastes, is there really a point in persuading others of the value of something – especially of the arts? I once saw a comment that went like this: “All criticism in art is pretentious. The reason is because art is subjective.” That’s a very interesting comment indeed. Let us try to interrogate this claim.

The assumption here is that subjective things cannot be measured/critiqued/analysed by any standards; because having a standard supposes that there is an objective ranking or valuation. And therefore, since it is outside of the realm of objective standards, to criticise it is to impose a standard upon it. In other words, when we criticize, we are pretentious because we are foisting the standard of one subjective thing over another and assuming that our subjective valuation is objective – forcing them to accept our standards. The conclusion then is that art is inherently a sacred, protected realm. There is no good art or bad art – all art is art.

Obviously, there are some problems with this claim, in spite of its universalist and all-inclusive appeals. It certainly is a fantastic kind of attitude to adopt because it seems to value the worth of everyone’s handiwork. But it is deeply problematic. For one, it devalues the work of people whose careers depend on their handiwork. It’s essentially saying: “Art? Anyone can be an artist! I pooped a beautiful shape this morning!” Not only so, in setting such a low bar, we deprive ourselves of art that educates – the kind of art that requires introspection, imagination, observation and a keen understanding of the nuances of tone, texture, and so on. Indeed, I think most artists fear the increasing tone-deafness of the current public – both figuratively and literally.

And then, I chanced upon another comment that seemed to be slightly more fair: “Any good commentary on art always walks the fine line between informed opinion and pretentious high-mindedness.” Again, the inescapable assumption here is that we cannot force some standard of assessing something that is of subjective value. At best, it is only an “informed opinion”.

The goal of this post is to probe this claim. Is this the best we can do? Should we leave the door wide open for all kinds of art? Is there no way at all for us to assess the value of art – even if it is sloppy?

As a child I was happy to listen to the music that the rest of my peers listened to. The thing about music is that our ears are trained by the music of our times – it is acquired. So this part is true: it would be hard for us to really understand or appreciate the best music from centuries past. Obviously, then, I was eager to have my parents like the music I listened to. I was often looking at them with eager anticipation when my cd was played in the car – but to no avail. One day my dad made a “pretentious” comment: the kind of songs you guys listen to really are quite meaningless. At that point, I didn’t think of it was a pretentious comment, but I thought hard about what he said, and I later agreed.

And so, as if i underwent a baptism of the spirit, I completely chucked out my old music and began to listen to my dad’s oldies. I replayed Englebert’s Last Waltz, and took special liking to John Denver’s music, especially his melancholic Leaving on the Jetplane. I tried to share this new gospel to my friends, praising the rich meaning and lyrics embedded in the songs. All that time, I believed that the rest of the world was suffering from a kind of false consciousness – they didn’t know what was good. They were too enraptured by what was trendy, what was listened to. They had failed to appreciate what was objectively beautiful.

It lasted maybe 2 years or so, before I realised it’s just weird. The music just didn’t suit my taste at all, even if the lyrics were somewhat meaningful. You know, maybe it’s true, maybe there really isn’t any kind of standard to measure the value of art. Today, if I listen to Leaving on a Jetplane, I get goosebumps and I just feel as if something inside me died. I probably listened to too much of it during the days of teenage angst.

But if I cannot claim an argument from false consciousness, and if I’m unhappy with the all-inclusive claims that prevent us from making a valuation of art, where does that leave us? I feel perplexed too. But maybe, just maybe, we ourselves need to make efforts to increase our education of good art. Maybe we can evaluate art, just that we have abdicated that responsibility to appreciate the finer things in life in favour of the easy things. Instead of listening to a political debate, we rather watch a sitcom; instead of reading a book, we rather read a gossip magazine. Instead of listening to edifying music, we go for bass-enhancing headphones that play songs that provide that extra “oomph”.

Maybe, just maybe, we have become too lazy, too unreflective, too dumb to appreciate art at its finest. In exchange, we ask for mass-produced art that pleases the majority, we pay money for women and men who dress suggestively, who entertain us with lights and action more than they do with the content of their performance. They thrill us, but they fail to move us. They seduce us rather than edify us. In reality, they are no different from a sycophant charming us, blowing kisses to us, caressing us. They win us over with our vanity.

There is good art. We must aspire to learn it, appreciate it, reflect upon it, and celebrate it. Only then do we get to see creativity at work. There’s nothing creative about putting tunes into a mixer and churning out an “easy” tune. There’s nothing creative about losing your pants to make up for your lack of voice. That’s merely a misdirection. The greatest artists composed, painted and wrote to reflect their amazement at such a boundless God. That’s why art required utmost creativity: we are trying to limit a limitless God to a canvas, a stanza, to a bar of crochets and quavers. It’s unique, it provides another perspective, it’s refreshing.

What then is good art? Maybe I can attempt to sketch out a standard. To me, there are two ways that art can be considered good. First – good art requires good craftsmanship. No matter what genre of music one listens to, one would be able to recognise the intricacy of detail in a song. No matter what kind of taste we have, we will recognise the precision and interweaving of a startling amount of elements or perspectives or streams of thought in a painting. That doesn’t mean that we squeeze everything together, neither does it mean that everything that looks or sounds complicated is good; for good art harmonizes all elements into one coherent piece. IT requires foremost that a high degree of skill that a layman cannot aspire to reach without inordinate amounts of effort and failure.

We can then begin to listen for the subtle motifs in text and song, and how they are represented and re-represented throughout a piece of work, sometimes subtlety, sometimes obviously. We can begin to appreciate and isolate different elements in a song that play out in the background, the falling and rising of the tune at certain pivotal moments. We can begin to consider the way words are enunciated, the excellence of the rhyme, or the entire structure of a certain text – what it signals, what expectations it creates in readers, and whether it is resolved or heightened. I believe that in a good speech, piece of writing or music, there is no word or note that is wasted – no note or word that is there to fill the gaps. In good art, every stroke is intentioned by the artist.

The first element of good art is thus, good craftsmanship. Art is difficult, it is a product of meditation and reason and persuasion all the same. It is methodical but also a work of spontaneous creativity. It is my firm belief that the most ethereal manifestations of our imagination can only be expressed by the most excellent craftsmen and women – whether one crafts words or paintings or odes.

But of course, this does not mean that everything good craftspeople produce is a brilliant work of art. The second element of good art, then, must be its ability to invite the commiseration of its audiences, viewers, or admirers. Good art communicates to the observer – it is a form of expression that viewers commiserates with; and therefore, the artist, in imagining that very work, must also commiserate with his admirers. In other words, good art is good because it speaks to its audiences – the author is conveying an experience, sensation, regret, emotion, or something that is all tangled up – something that the audience can relate to. The author is relating to the audience, and the audience relates to the art of the author.

Every piece of sublime art is like an open box that allows us to store a part of ourselves. It inspires us to say, “every time I read/listen to/see this work of art, I think of…” Good art awakens our soul, it refreshes us, encourages us, causes us to think. Good art tells a story, it differentiates itself from the mere plot. It delivers a message, rather than weasel words; a picture, rather than an image. Rather than invoking base desires, good art speaks to a hidden one, rather than glorifying the artist, good art lifts us up and gives us a canvas of our own to imagine and fill and explore. Rather than draw attention to ourselves, good art never lets us settle so easily. It never panders to us, and is never easy to consume – precisely because it requires effort to think.

Must we all then aspire to watch symphonic orchestras? Can we have good art without being pretentious? No, because there will always be people who are unwilling to think for themselves. The truth is – we’ve left most of the hard work to “experts”. In making everything a matter of opinion – we have lost our ability to articulate our own. Even though we say we don’t want standards, we gladly let anything that’s popular dictate our appreciation of art. The market has turned art into a thing to be consumed, not something that requires patience and examination.

But it also doesn’t restrict “good art” to certain classes of people. Art doesn’t need to be expensive to be good. Lots of people go to concerts or pay for good paintings without knowing why they are good in any aspect. Art that stratifies must itself be a kind of creation that panders to certain kinds of people. I suspect that if we all spent time to learn about the story and imagery behind great pieces of art, we would develop a more profound appreciation of good art. And ironically, do you know where plenty of learned people reside? Not in large mansions; but in prison. It’s so laughable that people in prisons are so desperate for any kind of entertainment that they devour books from cover to cover. And yet what about us moderns? We are enchained by the quick, the satisfying, the exciting, the eye-catching. We exchange grand ideas for snippets, paintings for images, wisdom for feel-good messages. No wonder Rousseau famously said: Man is free, but everywhere he is in chains.

Yes, times change, and we acquire different tastes. But never be mistaken that there is good art.

Signing off, 

Fatpine.

Poverty of dreams

What a quarter it has been! I can hardly believe how much I haven’t posted at all. It has been so hard to get a good grasp of time, since I do spend a lot of time and effort filling out my newsletters. But it’s great to come back to this space again after such a long time. I don’t doubt that there will be a lot of things that I won’t miss of my time here. I recently reopened a deodorant spray bottle that I used in my earliest days in Chicago, the smell reminded me of days of much uncertainty, just a very different feel. I really don’t like it at all now, so much so that when I used it before my short holiday out of the US, I actually pinched my nose so that I wouldn’t constantly be reminded of this scent. I wonder why it is that the past is always something yucky that I don’t like to revisit. There are only so few memories that I always want to revisit. But i’m so glad to finally have some time on my own. I wish this could just be a 4 month course rather than a year, because I feel that I’m pretty much done studying. A part of me is thinking that I’m good and fresh and ready to return home for good.

But that’s not the deal, and once all that early excitement has washed off, I am back to just grinding out results and surviving the only way I know how. There are only so few things that keep me going day by day. The first is my faith, and I’m still incredibly thankful for the fantastic faith community here. The second is simply working out. I struggle to think of a better term to substitute “working out”. I realized that my view of what it means to get a “good workout” has evolved quite a little over the months and years. It has managed to integrate the different stages and scenarios of life, and incorporate so many other elements of physical and even mental wellbeing. It sounds so yoga-ishly spiritual. But I don’t think I meant that. What I want to say is that my routines have become more multi-dimensional, meaning that it doesn’t have a specific aim at all other than the general one of oiling the gears and greasing the wheels. It’s like feeding the body and taking care of it. Thus, it’s not just trying to lose some fat here or to gain something there, but really, part of what it means to fortify the body for harder, longer, and ultimately better endeavours.

At the same time, I have seen how little those cheap 10 minute youtube “killer workouts” and mind-numbing iron lifting in gyms transfer to holistic wellness, athleticism, and mobility in general – almost nil. It is truly so difficult to find a good source of teachers who really teach what works and truly wish to impart the beauty of their craft that they themselves have endured years in the wilderness in order to find. Through these years I’ve met many “fitness junkies” who abide by a certain philosophy. They always seem attractive at first sight because some do overlap with my own. But after a while, you realize that these guys are not after the “real gold”. Of course, you might think that anything that deviates from what I believe in simply isn’t the “real gold”. I don’t think it’s necessarily so. What I think is the real gold is the right view of fitness that is principled, long-term, having a depth of understanding of the human body, socio-culturally sensitive, and joy-enhancing.

Just any of these conditions alone are worth a full page of explanation. But it definitely isn’t just about “staying healthy”, neither is it all about strict diets that can never be broken. It is so incredibly irksome when people have to change their choices just because one person in the group says that something is generically “unhealthy”. Keeping a close check of “results show that eating ___ will” and doing highly commercial workouts reflects an individual that’s not comfortable with studying the human condition and studying life itself. It reflects an individual unwilling to recognize how richly blessed he is with faculties of all sorts to make his own decisions – to discover what works and what doesn’t work. Like I said, we rarely, if ever, need scientific papers to tell us what we are doing wrong. On the contrary, we need more and more to discover about us and the world, to discover both objective and subjective conditions of interactions between humankind and nature that fits our intuition like a glove. An individual like the one I described is the kind that resists individual thought – submitting all to the altar of “science” without recognizing the frames we are caged in. I have tons of stories from my recent trip to Puerto Rico to prove my point, but I shall not say too much here.

I had an unusually busy birthday this year, and it’s painfully obvious to me why. From the moment I awoke, I was visited by people and giving hugs and a card. I was asked out to dinner, had lunch with a friend, was surprised by another group and gifted nice tasty baked treats. I will not hesitate to say that most of these happen for a very good reason, which reveals relationships at its infancy. I’m sure you’ve been there before and know what I’m talking about. Surprise parties are only a surprise when your old friends do it. But they don’t mean much when it’s someone you’ve just known for a while. I hate it that I’m so pessimistic about such things, can’t I be appreciative that at least some people to bother to celebrate my birthday? I think I deeply am, but then as someone who’s realistic about the future, I also know that there’s little reason to give more weight to it, to believe that I’m very well cushioned with cuddly friends and deep relationships. At the end of the day, I could just feel as empty as ever, even if I didn’t. Maybe that’s why I’ve never really wanted grand parties or full schedules for a birthday. I always enjoyed just a message, and to be able to spend quality time with people who really see it as more than a culturally important event. Maybe, in a very wicked sense, I really didn’t mean it when I said “thanks” to all the people that did these things. In a dark way, it’s like reaching into a well to pull me out and saying, “hey, I was here for you, I remembered you!” Then putting me back, and I have to say, “thanks for remembering ya.” Such negative thoughts I have indeed.

It is with such thoughts, and so many experiences over the past few months that I have come to observe myself so much more. And it is my true sentiment that the Christian life is such a high calling that I often wonder what I am really doing pretending to be one. Indeed, it seems even odd that such a wretched person that I am can consider myself an “experienced Christian”. I wonder if theologically speaking, there’s any significance to this term at all – or are we all really babes with every new day? It’s terribly difficult to love those who do not share your views, and I realized that way that I live my pretty much cloistered life makes it so easy to live life my way – to make friends that I love, to sacrifice for people worth sacrificing for. I was never forced to go out, I merely endured in an unfriendly manner, the people that provided a temporary inconvenience. I almost always had a trusted circle of people I fell back on, these were the ones that really mattered to me.

And so, when you leave that circle, beyond the initial period of sacrifice for all new people you meet, and before the phase of making true friends that form that solid circle, is that sweet spot of knowing who you really are as a person. This is the person who has no safe circle to default to, one who is forced to not endure a temporary inconvenience, but to be who you truly are – you don’t hold back because there’s no one to hold back for. And I’m indeed a terrible person so weighed down by my own concerns, my own image, my own pride and my own desire to live that wonderful life with the people whom I feel an intimate connection with. But maybe the Christian life is not only about being able to endure poverty in wealth and material possession, but also enduring a poverty of ideals and dreams. Maybe it’s just about living through one day at a time, giving thanks one step at a time. For most of my life, I’ve merely challenged myself in thought experiments about whether I could still be steadfast if I were materially poor; yet I have now come to be challenged about whether I can still be steadfast if nothing is the way I want it to be, even relationally.

This is obviously incredibly difficult, because it means we need to surface every desire we have in our hearts, and tear away at them. I want to be successful, God wants to challenge that. I want a “fulfilling” life, God wants to challenge that. I want to be fit and athletic, God wants to challenge that. I want to feel relationally secure, God wants to challenge that. I want to be happy, God wants to challenge that. It’s not that God is intentionally trying to contradict with what we want, but that, without realising, we often want to be satisfied outside of God, even when professing Him. And it is a great challenge to not see ourselves as a historical person – one with various baggages that condition our responses and inflated egos to defend, but as a naked human being that deserves nothing more than condemnation. This nakedness, I must emphasize, is more than material in nature. Every new day, we must be reminded of our mortality. But even innocuous messages such as “eat healthy” or “financial security” tell us a different story – it assumes a tomorrow, that there is a future to plan for, that there is a future you that will be thankful for your present prudence. We must live prudently, but this wisdom is one that’s always in awe of our status. There is again, no room for pride and selfish dreams. This is why the Christian life is incredibly hard.

But, as the end of Hebrews tells us, our Father has already equipped us through the death of His son to be able to endure all these, not by our own efforts, but through His merits alone. Struggle on…

Signing off,

Fatpine.

Compelling reasons to master the Chinese language

Hello again! WordPress has this cool thing that allows you to track your own viewers. My viewership has dropped .-. But it’s okay, that gets some expectations away and I can settle quickly to regular blogging as and when I please! Just a little update on my current state. I just removed one of my wisdom teeth yesterday and I feel completely enervated. It’s the first time I got a tooth plucked! Interesting experience, but not something I wish to go through again. An interesting tip for those that are visiting the dentist anytime soon: most dentists allow you to bring in your own earphones to listen to music. If going to the dentist makes you really anxious, plug in and listen to your favourite music; try to focus on enjoying your music rather than on the… drilling, poking and scraping. Hehe. Back to feeling weak; I hope to recover by tomorrow so I can get back to exercising and doing really fun stuff like chewing food on my right side too 😉

Today, I shall give few compelling reasons to master the Chinese language. This post was inspired by a conversation with the baby sister that I never had. I consider English to be my first language, and the language I’m most comfortable in. However, I do have a special passion for Chinese, and I’m fortunate to have a few good reasons to want to learn it well. Because, it is important. One of my most special reasons is not something I can encourage you with. And that is the fact that I do in fact have a Chinese language environment at home. My parent pines do believe in the important of Chinese as a form of identity and cultural transmission. And if you’ve ever been to my home, you’d notice distinct Chinese art hung on my walls. If you have an English speaking family environment, however, these are my following reasons.

1. You’re ethnically Chinese, aren’t you?

This first reason seems superficially unimportant. We grow up in a multicultural environment and most of us are exposed to English media. It’s hard to feel any kind of connection to our true Chinese roots in China. This, coupled with many unfavourable reports of unkind behaviour of the mainland Chinese make us wish to define our own identity. I’m all for defining ourselves as children of God, not as an American, Mongolian or Russian, or according to our ethnicities. However, we cannot deny that it’s a part of us. Most (and I emphasise most, not all) people tend to marry people who are ethnically similar. I once asked a Korean American missionary what kind of girl he looked out for. He said all the usual personal preferences, but he made it a point that this girl had to be Korean. FYI, he was a Korean American living in China. Not convinced? I once asked my Chinese American roommate the same question. Don’t be mistaken, he wasn’t a new migrant. He was a third generation Chinese American and he spoke Chinese funny (he was learning at that time). He also specified that this female had to be Chinese. No matter what, we are most comfortable with those who share a closer heritage with us. It might be for very simple cultural reasons (having Chinese-speaking parents, using chopsticks for meals, loving sweet and sour pork, accepting ang bao) but we can’t deny that it is a small part of who we are. Weak reasoning? Probably.

2. Don’t master English, a-b-c Chinese and Korean/Spanish/French. Master English AND Chinese

Imagine yourself applying for a job. A part of the application requires you to fill up the number of languages you are fluent in. What are you likely to write? English and Chinese would be the instinctive response of the people from our country. Wrong! Trust me when I say I think most young people can’t string a proper Chinese sentence, much less be “fluent” in Chinese or even “master” Chinese. First of all, many people from our country can’t even master English! When was the last time we did anything productive for English lessons? How many times have you asked your friend whether or not they have prepared for their coming English language paper only to hear this response: “aiya, English no need to study one lah..” The end result? Many have poor language. However, before they realise this, many go on to learn other more exotic languages like Korean or Japanese. However, have you realised how lucky we are? Chinese is commonly thought of as one of the hardest languages to learn. English is also the must-learn language for international or even domestic success in most countries in the world. Think about it: the internet has sooo many English language websites! It was invented in the US! Today, we can gain access to and understand so many websites because of the very simple fact that we know English! So, we have our administrative language as English, and we have compulsory mother tongue exams in Chinese. Add on to the fact that we talk to the old aunties and uncles in Mandarin and occasionally identify Chinese characters around the country. Don’t you realise what a goldmine this is? You are born in a country that effectively encourages the learning of the most sought after language and one of the most difficult languages in the world!! And you are still not doing your 习字!

Oh, and let me correct the misconception that Chinese is not a sought-after language. It is. Every year, thousands upon thousands of foreigners flock to Chinese universities to study Chinese! And trust me when I say it’s agonisingly hard to learn it from scratch. There are just some things you can’t explain to them. Let me list a few jokes from my American roommate.

这条路好长,走到永永远远 – This road is long, it is everlasting

我们家里的蚊子人口好多! – The mosquito (human) population is huge!

You realise that at this point, I haven’t actually gotten to why you should master it other than the fact that we have an awesome environment. Well, Chinese is really beautiful in a very special way. Every Chinese character can mean something different and piecing the right characters together gives you a vivid image of what authors try to portray. Try reading some old Chinese poems, and have someone tell you the meaning of each character, it’s beauty in a way no other language can describe! That is why I really love Chinese worship songs. Hmm let me try my hand at poem translation. Bear with me!

七步诗 is one of my favourite because it’s so simple, and the context and background adds so much flavour to it. It was an impromptu poem created by Cao Zhi in a period when his own brother, Cao Pi, was trying to implicate him. This occurred during the Three Kingdoms period. Bear with my translation!

煮豆 燃豆萁 (煮豆 means cooking beans, 燃豆萁 means to burn the beanstalk. As a whole: to cook beans, we burn…),
豆在釜中泣。(The beans cry out – as in really cry – whilst in the pot)
本是同根生,(we were/I am born of the same roots)
相煎何太急?(相煎: means to fry one another – like a veggie – why are we so eager to torment each other?)

Now let’s piece it together: we’re like beans, and we are being cooked. But since we are all born from the same root, why are we so anxious to do harm to one another? *clapclap!* Bravo! To be able to speak a mouthful of fluent Chinese is just a fantastic skill set. To be able to understand poetry on such a level will be simply fantastic! (FYI, I can’t understand most ancient poetry at first sight. But it becomes very beautiful when there’s an explanation)

3. We need to help those that are weaker than ourselves

Like it or not, many Chinese speaking residents belong to lower socioeconomic classes. Once again, I’m not making stuff up. Refer to a paper titled Language and Social Class by Vaish and Teck. 51% of the people who speak Mandarin at home belong to lower socioeconomic classes. Since they don’t have an English speaking environment, many do not do as well as their peers in school. Now, we can decide. Either we continue to neglect this super beautiful and useful language and continue to speak to everyone in English, or, we can make some effort to speak Mandarin fluently so we can make people feel welcome and at home when we invite them for times of fellowship.

It is true that in our society, the English speaking people are often viewed as the elite. Many have used this self-imagined position of superiority to look down on people who can’t speak English well. This transition was the most painful when across the board, Chinese language schools were phased out and companies and government agencies turned to hire candidates who were fluent in English or had an English language education. There is nothing inherently good or bad about using either language. However, we need to be fluent in both to reach out to both people groups.

I think I’m too tired to go on.. But trust me, do your best in both, find your interest, watch some martial arts flick and spark your desire to know this language. You’ll be surprised to find how awesome it is to be able to speak both English and Chinese when you travel! Truly! You will be one of the most useful people around!

Signing off,

Fatpine.