Now let me abate the mystery of who I am and what I’ve been doing recently. I have 15 minutes to write about something. But what a whirlwind of a week! You know when I started this semester, I thought I could just ease myself of the previous semesters of hardcore work. But it turns out, I can’t. I simply can’t not do my best with my work! Sounds saintly, huh? Just some updates with my future life… I’ve decided to just apply for one school and one program for graduate school, even though I’m pretty sure the chances are quite low.
Making my decision on graduate school has been one of the most frustrating decisions ever! I just can’t stand firm on it! I can fluctuate like crazy on my decision on graduate school mostly because the application process is so intensely frustrating! After speaking to seniors and professors and to my parents, I decided for sure I wanted to do this. And then, I went online and realised there was an additional test needed. ahq9tu93u91uf9fj. Words cannot describe how my heart sunk. I decided to pull the plug on the application because I feared I didn’t have time to prepare like I had to for GRE. But then, I already sent the request for recommendation to one of my profs (who replied that night). I don’t know how God is working in this, but I’m pretty sure that my teacher’s prompt action meant I had the duty to soldier on.
Very nerve wrecking this week as I had to knock on a few doors to ask for recommendation letters. It’s unbelievable frustrating having to give some elevator speech! But again, this process has been a very challenging one. It is not that we succeed or fail, it’s not even about feeling anxiety and imagining the moment when you will be free. I find a lot of value in being in that existential moment – there’s no other time when you are more aware of your very existence. It is the process where there’s nothing at all and you say: I want to do this.
One of the scariest things as a child would be to go to piano exams. It’s just the most nerve wrecking experience ever! Virtually no child enjoys the existential experience. Most don’t sign up for this, if they could, they wouldn’t want to be examined. They hypnotise themselves of “freedom” and ice cream after the exam. But being in the moment is different. Tell yourself, yes, I want this. This is good for me. Scaredy cats like me have a lot of struggles with such moments. But it’s in these moments where you kinda feel truly alive.
Signing off,
Fatpine.
fatpine 