I’ve mentioned to a few friends that the past couple of months have made it easy for me to commiserate with Job. 2017 was one of the best years I had ever experienced so far; yet returning home from Chicagoland, every dream and bright future seemed to dissolve into taunting wisps of smoke. I constantly questioned my worth, and wondered if I was too idle, too indulgent, too self-entitled. The messages that struck me the hardest were passages that spoke of the sovereignty of God; I wanted to believe that He truly was sovereign, and that he had this as part of His plan.
How often I would ask God, “Father, you’ve had me utterly humiliated and humbled. Will you not lift your hand now?” Yet one can never be too humbled. More humbling. More humbling. It’s good for me. At the heart of all these circumstances, I didn’t doubt that God was moulding my character, and I wanted to believe that this was truly necessary for the road ahead, however long. But now I see so clearly.
Once things took a sharp turn, and it seemed that my value proposition to this world had skyrocketed, once it seemed that I was placed on a pedestal, with so many exciting options ahead, I immediately felt an inner urge to boast. But when I was tempted to get too far, the humbling circumstances of the past few months were too huge to ignore, even if one could find a thousand and one human reasons why it was so. I truly believe that these few months must lay the precious groundwork for the next several years, or even decades, if God wills.
Ever since I felt this huge wave of worldly security flood my heart, I started to pray less for others, to spend less hours reading and soaking in God’s truth. I’d think that in the grander scheme of things, one would say that I was far more blessed when I was solely dependent on God. Isn’t that why Jesus said – blessed are the poor in spirit? I could find no other reasons to prove my worth, and found, to my surprise, that I was made worthy in Christ. Recognising my utterly desolate position was key in cradling this gift of God close to my heart, and so fundamental in shaping my character.
But man is so horridly forgetful. This explains why, even after demonstrating His worth to reign as king over Israel by delivering the Israelites from utter destitution, Yahweh was still displaced as they clamoured for a human king. How much more, then, should we be thankful for circumstances that drive us to His breast. For in times like these, we actually see the path ahead of us, we truly are like pilgrims, trying to progress. In this story, Christian is abstracted from all else – he hears a call, and feels the utter burden of his sin. He leaves his wife and his children for he cannot persuade them. Christian must go on, shrugging aside Obstinate and Mr. Worldly Wiseman and struggle in the bog of temptation, lust, and pride. This is in fact a blessing, isn’t it?
Without realising, then, I have, over the past couple of months, been one of the most blessed persons around. The blessed person says: I’m ready to go home. The glutton of the world says: not yet, just not yet! The blessed person says: here I am! Send me! The glutton says: is there no other alternative? Oh how quickly one can change. I pray I will be challenged and rebuked constantly.
To end, I’d like to quote Hudson Taylor:
The sweetest part, if one may speak of one part being sweeter than another, is the rest which full identification with Christ brings. I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realise this; for He, I know, is able to carry out His will, and His will is mine. It makes no matter where He places me, or how. This is rather for Him to consider than for me; for in the easiest position He must give me His grace, and in the most difficult His grace is sufficient.
It little matters to my servant whether I send him to buy a few cash worth of things, or the most expensive articles. In either case he looks to me for the money and brings me his purchases. So, if God should place me in serious perplexity, must He not give me much guidance; in positions of great difficulty, much grace; in circumstances of great pressure and trial, much strength? No fear that His resources will prove unequal to the emergency! And His resources are mine, for He is mine, and is with me and dwells in me.
Hudson Taylor’s Spiritual Secret
This passage of his was immensely helpful for me in seeing myself as simply a servant. I exist only to do my master’s bidding, and it matters not what circumstances I’m in, or what I do for a living. I draw from His grace to do His work.
Signing off,
Fatpine.
fatpine 