How does love last? Why do we love who we love? Many of my friends around me are tying the knot; and sometimes, when I look at their wedding pictures, I wonder how different the relationship would be if I were there first – if I made the first move, if I pursued, if I was just there. Oh no, I’m not envious at all. What I mean to say is that if it appears that we are not admiring them for something that is more than themselves, then anyone can really fill the role. Sometimes people are so enamoured by their lovers because they are just the sweetest, nicest, most considerate boyfriend or girlfriend ever. I always wonder if it’d be any different if anyone felt the same feelings.
I was once asked many years ago which guy I would marry if I were female. And I remember saying that I’d definitely date, but not marry myself. I believed that I would do the most ridiculous things as a romantic. I would write the most beautiful poems, spend time on some detailed craft, shower the other with so much love and affection, and probably do unexpected things that surely causes some heart dysrhythmia. Even so, I was clear that I wasn’t ready to be that consistent husband able to love when the feelings have faded and when the excitement has died down.
Love is a wonderful thing isn’t it? We walk a million miles because we think we are in love. Unfortunately that’s but a shadow of what love is. I think the proper term is to be emotional. I have been there before. I could really give up the best of my time and of my days, to fight hunger and weariness, to walk and wait until I can reunite with the other again. It’s not difficult at all. In fact, it’s such a pleasure isn’t it? Because once we get there, time seems to stand still and then it almost feels like we’re in this state of emotional coma, completely unaware of all the goings-on around us. Before long the staff come to tell us that they are closing and you have to head somewhere. And then you bid an unwilling goodbye and go to bed with a smile on your face.
But when you want the very thing you want, the most curious thing happens. When the other person appears at every corner, when there is no need to guess at all because you and the other are pretty much one; when there is little jealousy or insecurity left. Quite simply, when there is no need to think of the other because they will always be around, then things begin to change. It’s quite subtle, quite simple, and it happens without our knowing. First it begins with a little bit of bargaining. Must I really walk that far? Do I really have to wait that long? Can you meet me halfway? Can we meet an hour later?
And then, you realise that you’ve simply become unemotional. You haven’t fallen out of love, because to do so requires that you were in love in the first place. You have simply gratified your emotional need to be adored; you haven’t changed, you’ve just returned to your normal state. And what is our normal state? It is that anti-God, selfish and self-serving state. Quick to anger, impatient, prone to envy and desiring personal glorification. This is not a criticism of how moderns love. This is simply what happens. As much as we try to be rational, this will happen, and we realise that absent that spark and pleasant uncertainty, we will find it harder and harder to be civil to another, to go another mile and to offer honest praise.
What if what we believe about the bible is the most important thing for our spousal relationships? What does it mean to be in love other than the fact that we are in God’s love? Perhaps true love manifests when we are all tethered not only to one another, but also to our master. In other words, it is in response to the love of our master that we do things that are loving – in spite of our natures – to our spouse. In Luke 12, we are reminded to “stay dressed for action and keep your lamps burning, and be like men who are waiting for their master to come home from he wedding feast, so that they may open the door to him at once when he comes and knocks.”
Of the thousands of misquoted sentences and uplifting praises in the bible that give us hope and happiness, we often forget that we are supposed to be on guard at all times. As a result, maybe if we took the bible for its word in all its radical expectations and commands, then we may have hope to tide through all sorts of picayune squabbles with love. Maybe you had to wait for 2 hours, stay dressed for action. Maybe you had to take on more household burdens in her busyness, stay dressed for action. Maybe one party makes a really foolish mistake that causes unnecessary pain for both, stay dressed for action. What if the most loving thing we could do for the other is to stay dressed for action, and to help one another do so with excellence?
Perhaps once our hearts are already trained on our true master, then we can avoid the trap of making someone the most important person – and later, almost inevitably, the most unimportant person. Because if God is always our most important person, then all things must work around that, and this fact helps to mediate all our relationships, even our spousal relationships. But obviously, it is too foreign a concept in these days, for we have become too unacquainted with the idea that love must involve complete freedom, it cannot be tethered to anything, if not it would not be free. But this is my claim: if we want to learn to love another sacrificially, then we must first learn what it means to have an obligation to a master.
“Now you go to sleep first, Mr. Frodo” he said. ‘It’s getting dark again. I reckon this day is nearly over.’
Frodo sighed and was asleep almost before the words were spoken. Sam struggled with his own weariness, and he took Frodo’s hand; and there he sat silent till deep night fell.
We often think of Sam as being the consummate friend. But his self-sacrifice and great love of Frodo was rooted in his sense of obligation to Frodo as his master. There are no loyal friends. We do not owe allegiance to friends, but to kings. Loyalty has it roots in oaths or pledged of allegiance sworn by a vassal to his lord. We see that through and through in the bible. Jonathan wasn’t loyal to David, he was loyal to God, and thus would go to great lengths to defend God’s chosen servant.
Relatedly, it is not my wife that I am loyal to – for that may too often depend on my shifting sentiments and possibly, how both parties make such an oath untenable. Rather, I am loyal to my king in my relations with my wife. I honour my wife by first honouring my king. So let us be dressed for action, and aggressively prepare ourselves for the coming of our king, so that even the most difficult words to say and actions to perform for those closest yet furthest away from us will not cause us to cringe, will not require the right sentiments and emotions, will cease to become incredibly difficult. Finally, it will mean that we are not self-sacrificing, but only obeying. We are not being altruistic, we are only obeying the call to be like Christ and die for the other.
Signing off,
Fatpine.
fatpine 